Onward

I had been much anticipating a second child from the instant they laid my sweet Caden on my chest for the first time. I instantly said to myself in that crazy, incredible, glorious moment, 'I definitely want to do this again'. As the time approached where Jason and I were feeling ready again, I was worried, tug-of-warring with God about what His plans might or might not include. I knew inside myself that God's plans were good, even when they didn't include what I thought I wanted, but I still wanted what I wanted. So, we stopped preventing and I held my breath, somewhat obsessed with preparing for it not being and hoping for it to be~~ my thoughts, admittedly consumed. I held my breath for 4 weeks, denying the urge to take a test until it was time. 3 minutes can seem like forever. I prayed, paced, panicked. With my eyes shut tight I finally peaked out of the corner of my eye to the digital screen on the bathroom counter and to my dismay and utter joy it said the word I had longed for it to say, PREGNANT. I squealed and jumped, Caden eagerly joined in and giggled along with me about his being a big brother. I have to say, reading that word the two times in my life I've read it were maybe the single most thrilling, eternal treasures. I thank you God for blessing me with this amazing gift. I'm overhwhelmed. Jason was overwhelmed. Such blessed moments to share with the ones you love so dearly, it whells up inside of you, I imagine it was pouring out of my pores as it was my husband's face, kiss and embrace... And then, at what should have been my 8 week appointment, we learned though everything looked normal, that the baby was 2 weeks smaller than expected. I prepared myself, but hoped and prayed for the best. 1 week went by, my symptoms disappeared. My suspicion grew, but I tried to remain hopeful, biding my time, resting in the Lord for He knew what I did not, could not. 2 more weeks go by and we learned our little one's fate... it was to already be at home with the Lord. As we were ushered from one ultrasound to the other I felt peace, God was with me. I was given a second opinion, 'here's the embryo, here's the sac, there's no heartbeat, here's a blood clot, your body is already starting to empty.' I realized in that moment, that I had no external signs, I wondered what they would recommend from here. A d&c? I had to be sure there was no sign of life. I asked the doctor are you sure there is no heartbeat? My own heart split as the words left my mouth. My voice cracking and gulping down the knot in my throat I had to clarify 'there is no chance at all right now that our baby is living? She said no. She patted my leg and said she was sorry... It wasn't meant to be that we should have this baby. I rested in God's comfort. He held me and us in our disappointment and grief. I trust you Lord. I don't understand, but I trust you. You gave and you have taken away, blessed be Your name. I got a prescription the next day for medicine to help me clear everything out. It didn't work. I took a second and third dose over the course of the next week and they didn't work. I had to go in for a d&c. The procedure was complicated by excessive bleeding, my doctor, my friend, was scared, I was scared. I feared the worst, and briefly the emotional pain of wondering if I would lose my ability to have children overtook my physical pain. She had to place a balloon inside my uterus to clamp off the bleeding and God was merciful. It worked. I spent a night in the hospital for observation and am home now, healing. I keep looking back over the many questions, did I do something wrong, do I deserve this? What is God trying to tell me? Teach me? He has answered my every concern, my every anxious thought, my every tender cry 'I am sovereign. You are precious to me. Your baby is precious to me. I love you. Trust me. Let me be your comfort. Let me be your peace. Hope in me. Live your best life in me.'

"Upon some points a believer is absolutely sure. He knows for instance, that God sits in the center of the vessel when it rocks most... He knows too that God is always wise, and knowing this, he is confident that there can be no accidents, no mistakes and that nothing can occur that ought not to happen. He can say, 'If I should lose everything, it is better that I should lose it than keep it if it is God's will: The worst disaster is the wisest and the kindest thing that I could face if God ordains it'". ~Charles Spurgeon, Spurgeon's Morning by Morning, August 5th.