Wanting

So, our miscarriage was several months ago, 4 months ago. It was hard getting over that, but I felt great consolation in hoping that we would get pregnant again, and maybe quickly as we had the two times before. Now, after trying three times and still nothing, this distant, quiet fear that my body is not working is trying to feed me nonsense, that it might not be in the cards for us to have another baby. I am tempted to believe myself selfish for thinking it would happen this quickly, but on the other hand, thinking it completely ironic that the time in my life I thought I would have trouble, it happened fast, and when I didn't think I would have trouble, it hasn't happened. So what was the point in it coming easily when I was so prepared for it to be hard? That sounds a ridiculous query in light of the exhange and irrelevant except to say there isn't a pattern to be able to reliably predict the future, but there is hope. Perhaps God is teaching He cannot be placed in a box and is exposing me to the mystery of Him and His ways being above my own. One truth, which I strive to maintain my focus on, is that I have everything I ever wanted right now. A Godly, loving husband. A beautiful baby boy. They are priceless and I am undeserving... and yet there is something far better in my posession... my relationship with and understanding of God Himself, Christ Himself. Period. Nothing even as wonderful as my husband and son could compare. Even believing this to the point of tears at the mere reminder, my heart still aches for another baby. And for the hurt, I feel shame. It seems I shouldn't hurt in light of what I know to be true and especially as I am comforted by that truth. Perhaps the truth I am learning is that peace and hurt can coexist... a truth I already thought myself to be aware of... Afterall, it hasn't been so long since I myself alongside my husband and his family, walked through the loss of Robert. He is in Heaven and no longer in pain which is of course peace giving and yet we hurt in his absence. In this situation, in the quietness of my thoughts, which in this instance I happen to have written down, I realize how much I will never write down, how much of my existence is known only by God and He knows me so fully... I can feel Him smiling in His love for me now.