Taking hold

It's interesting to read my last post and here I am 5 months later than that post with at least some answers, but I find myself being directed to seek much more than answers now.

So between then and now, I have learned I may have a scarring disease in my uterus as a result of my d&c. I am awaiting another test to confirm it and if confirmed, find out the stage it is in. If mild to moderate, this disease can be treated and has a good prognosis for going on to conceive and carry a normal pregnancy. As a PA and just having the personality type I have (analytical if you didn't know), I have researched, read and turned my thoughts over and over at times to the point of exhaustion. Of late, my husband has been genuinely supportive and patient, but also is pointing out his need for balance from the hard with some light. I believe God is sending me the same message. As I come up for air now from another marathon of reading, educating and seeking some symbolance of what to expect in this circumstance, I am reminded that my daily ponderings on the what-ifs and trying to prepare for the worst are only sucking huge amounts of energy, quality of life and joy from my heart, spirit and face. While it is important to be informed, I simply cannot know it all now and am fortunate to look forward to a time in the not so distant future that I will have more answers... but until then and beyond, I must make the very deliberate choice, in the interest of the good of my family, in the interest of my own good and in obedience to God's merciful calling to lay down my concerns and lift my weary soul up to Him and focus on that which is true, right, pure, lovely and admirable.

I've been such the victim of self criticism and abuse in the past and there is a part of me, I hear her calling from within, to rise above. But does it hurt? Yes. Does the hurt mean there is no joy? Even complete, full joy? Joy that lacks nothing? Joy that is not fragmented, broken or hindered by some missing link? I think it easy enough to conclude that there is joy to be had. Is it reasonable to think permanent joy is attainable? And as such, I trail off onto some winding questions about the differences in happiness and joy. [I believe happiness as an emotion can be had, a smile, lightness of spirit, feeling unburdened and free. I don't, however, think it reasonable to be happy all the time, consider the moments where our thoughts drift back to that painful event or we are reminded or interrupted so rudely in ways we cannnot control. Happiness indeed is not permanent.] So, back to joy... Can it be permanent? I immediately know I believe without hesitation and assert that the joy that we, as believers, have in Christ, is permanent. His very existence, life on earth and purpose here was to make it so that it is so. Permanent. Joy. So, no matter the temporary, earthly albeit painful circumstance we find ourselves in, when we turn our eyes heavenward, we find that even with the already fulfillment of what we thought would make us happy doesn't even compare to the inexpressible joy we have in Christ. Here temporary. There eternal. Here, no guarantees. There, guaranteed.

And... "So I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Phillipians 3:12